Thursday 29 December 2011

teaching sex

A Teacher of Class 5 is asked to teach sex...

After thinking she decides to use flash cards, She shows a picture of a Breast...
One child speaks up...
"That's Breast, my mom has two of it...

Then she shows a picture of a Penis...
Another child speaks up
"That's a Penis my dad has two of it....
Confused, the teacher asked, "Two?"
The child said:
"A small one to Pee
& A bigger one to brush mommy's teeth""

difference in panties now days

What's the difference
between 1920's panties &
2011 panties???

In 1920 you had to open
the panty to see the bum,
In 2011 you have to open
the bum to see the panty

dating web

I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.

cake

A naked man looks in the mirror and says to his wife, "Why do I always get a hard-on when I look at myself?" Wife says, "Because your cock thinks you're a poes too!"

Thursday 6 October 2011

SQUINT EYED

A man divorced his squint eyed wife after 20 years of marriage, apparently she was seeing someone else. LOL

Tuesday 4 October 2011

A WOMENS 3 WISHES

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"The woman said, "That's okay."For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them......... Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down...... ...............................................................................................The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife ..Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.................................PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! Laughing my ass off,,,

THE 3 MEN WHO DIED

3 men (a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot) died in a car crash & found themselves standing before the gates of Heaven. With St. Peter & the Devil standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings". With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it & concluded it was correct."Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my ass hole."
And the idiot went to Heaven! =))

SIDE BY SIDE

 
  A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
  One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

  As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?  'You have been with me all through the bad times.  When I got fired, you were there to support me.  When my business failed, you were there.  When I got shot, you were by my side.

  When we lost the house, you stayed right here.  When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?'


  'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.


  'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck...    


THATS A MAN FOR U  X_X

Thursday 29 September 2011

British Humour

   I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning

to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!"

and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It

completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low

cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.

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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give

him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop

before you're banned from teaching altogether."

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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?

A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

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Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...

Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half

an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything -

KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

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Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?

17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me

because she can't afford batteries!

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Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing

line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs

back.   (ouch!)

Wednesday 28 September 2011

SATHIE, BALA AND PERU

Sathie died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends,  Bala and Peru, who were with him everywhere he went, were sent for.
Bala went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Bala said, "Ayo, he's burnt very bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and  Bala said, ..."Nor, it's not Sathie." The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought  Peru in to identify the body.  Peru took a look at him and said, "Ya, he's burnt very bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Peru said, "Nor, it's not  Sathie."The mortician asked, "How can  you tell?" Bala  said, "Well,  Sathie had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician."Ya, said Bala & Peru in unison, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, people would say, 'Here comes  Sathie with two assholes

Tuesday 27 September 2011

BARBIE AND KEN

Why does Barbie never fall pregnant?.... Because Ken always comes in a seperate box

WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING

What colour shirt are you wearing?

Black: I danced
Blue: I partied
Red: I slept
Purple: I ran away
Green: I argued
Yellow: I flirted
Pink: I got married
Orange: I got high
Grey: I broke up
White: I skinny dipped
Other: I got drunk
Shirtless: I giggled

Date of birth?

1st: with a pirate
2nd: with a sexy monkey
3rd: with a drunk dwarf
4th: with a horny tree
5th: with a anxious nerd
6th: with a fat person
7th with a hobo
8th: with a cowboy on crack
9th: with a fancy gangster
10th: with a sunflower
11th: with a piece of fudge
12th: with a serial killer
13th: with shrek
14th: with a male hooker
15th: with a dead bunny
16th: with a happy emo
17th: with a shiny vampire
18th: with a family member
19th: with a ghost
20th: with a toilet seat
21st: with a pink ant
22nd: with a gay mermaid
23rd: with a french girl
24th: with a blowup doll
25th: with a superhero
26th: with a minor
27th: with a confused alien
28th: with a tortured fairy
29th: with a sexy ninja
30th: with a avatar
31st: with a migit

First letter of your name?

A-B-C: Cause I miss my ex!
D-E-F: Cause I'm magical!
G-H-I: Cause I'm a genius!
J-K-L: Cause I was bored!
M-N-O: Cause I'm cool!
P-Q-R: Cause I'm unique!
S-T-U: Cause I'm a sex freak!
V-W-X Cause I was confused!
Y-Z Cause I was forced!

Put as your status for a day to show that you are playful and bbm statuses are not always supposed to be SO serious and deep!!!

Saturday 24 September 2011

MULTIPLE JOKES

Some Laughter=D =)) ***Q: Why are condoms transparent?A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!(y) ***Signboard outside a prostitute's house: Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...(n) ***New AIDS awareness slogan: Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.:D ***Why is $ex like shaving?Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll  have to do it again.../:). ***Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.#:-s ***Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.:x ***Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME!X_X ***Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later.=)) ***Advantages of having an affair with a married women. They give like hell. They do not yell. They do not tell. They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!;) ***My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise . Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple! =D =))

Friday 23 September 2011

WHO'S YOUR DADDY

My girlfriend recently found out she was adopted. She was devastated... kept crying and asking why they did not want her. I cuddled her a bit. She then asked me to make love to her... I did so and the tear's began to flow even more. I suppose shagging her and shouting who's your daddy might have been a bit insensitive...=))

learn chinese in 5 minutes

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES
(You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...
1) Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP............. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man...................... Dum Fuk
5) Small horse... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped in to a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift... Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone... No Pah King
12) staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo
13) He's cleaning his automobile... Wa Shing Ka
14) Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu
15) Great... Fa Kin Su Pah

MALEMA

Malema at an art gallery:- I suppose this horrible looking thing is what u white people call modern art??? Art dealer:- I beg your pardon Sir, that's. a mirror.... 

SOLDIERS OF WAR

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'The nun replied, 'He went that way.'After the MP's ran off, the soldiercrawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enoughSister You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'The nun said, 'I understand completely.'The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either !!!

THE PERFECT GIRL

rQualities that a man looks for in a perfect girlfriend
•Truthful
•Intelligent
•Gentle
•Humble
•Tolerant
•Polite
•Understanding
•Sexy
•Smart
•Youthful
In short: T.I.G.H.T.P.U.S.S.Y.

Don't shoot me its jus d truth ryt guys, send 2 all men 2 make dem laugh & any chicks with a good sense of humour