IDIOT JOKES PART 1

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep."

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

QUESTION: Why does the town idiot take his bedroom door off the hinges and put it to the sid every night when he goes to sleep?
ANSWER: Because he's afraid someone would look through the keyhole

I can't understand the critics saying that only an idiot would like that television program. I really enjoyed it.

Two men were knocking in nails to the sides of a house, one of them kept throwing them away.
"Why do you keep throwing nails away" said the other.
"Because they have the point at the wrong end", he replied
"You fool, we could use those on the other side of the house!"

BED JOKES PART 1

What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?
Sleep in the wardrobe.

Who stole the sheets from the bed?
Bed buglars

What do you call a python with a great bedside manner?
A snake charmer.

What should you do if you find a witch in your bed?
Run!

Two friends who lived in the town were chatting. "I've just bought a pig," said the first.
"But where will you keep it?" said the second.
"Your yard's much too small for a pig!"
"I'm going to keep it under my bed," replied his friend.
"But what about the smell?"
"He'll soon get used to that."

When Mr Maxwell's wife left him, he couldn't sleep.
Why was that?
She had taken the bed.

LOTTO TICKET

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well, she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings.

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

"Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies "My boss and i played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings.

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari.

"Where did you get that car?" her husband asks. Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings.

That night, his wife asks him to pour her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she find that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end.

"And this?" she asks her husband. "Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?!"

30 FUN THINGS TO DO WHILE DRIVING....

1. Vary your vehicle�s speed inversely with the speed limit.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.

3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words �Help me� on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.

8. Stop at the green lights.

9. Go at the red ones.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. Eat food that requires silverware.

12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.

13. Sing without having the radio on.

14. Honk frequently without motivation.

15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.

16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.

17. Let pedestrians know who�s boss.

18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

19. Restart your car at every stop light.

20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.

23. Paint your car with occult symbols.

24. Keep at least five cats in the car.

25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.

26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.

27. Stop and collect road kill.

28. Stop and pray to road kill.

29. Throw Spam.

30. Get in the fast lane and gradually...slow...down... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

BOOBS VS WILLIES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad,
how many
Kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through
three
Phases.
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said,
'Mom, how
Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes
through
Three phases also..
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for
decoration.'...=)) X_X =D

EXCELLENT QUOTE ON A MARRIED MAN'S T-SHIRT

"I married my wife for her looks...
But, not the ones she is giving me lately."

EXCELLENT QUOTE ON A MARRIED MAN'S T-SHIRT

"I married my wife for her looks...
But, not the ones she is giving me lately."