IDIOT JOKES PART 1

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep."

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

QUESTION: Why does the town idiot take his bedroom door off the hinges and put it to the sid every night when he goes to sleep?
ANSWER: Because he's afraid someone would look through the keyhole

I can't understand the critics saying that only an idiot would like that television program. I really enjoyed it.

Two men were knocking in nails to the sides of a house, one of them kept throwing them away.
"Why do you keep throwing nails away" said the other.
"Because they have the point at the wrong end", he replied
"You fool, we could use those on the other side of the house!"

BED JOKES PART 1

What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?
Sleep in the wardrobe.

Who stole the sheets from the bed?
Bed buglars

What do you call a python with a great bedside manner?
A snake charmer.

What should you do if you find a witch in your bed?
Run!

Two friends who lived in the town were chatting. "I've just bought a pig," said the first.
"But where will you keep it?" said the second.
"Your yard's much too small for a pig!"
"I'm going to keep it under my bed," replied his friend.
"But what about the smell?"
"He'll soon get used to that."

When Mr Maxwell's wife left him, he couldn't sleep.
Why was that?
She had taken the bed.

LOTTO TICKET

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well, she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings.

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

"Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies "My boss and i played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings.

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari.

"Where did you get that car?" her husband asks. Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings.

That night, his wife asks him to pour her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she find that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end.

"And this?" she asks her husband. "Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?!"

30 FUN THINGS TO DO WHILE DRIVING....

1. Vary your vehicle�s speed inversely with the speed limit.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.

3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words �Help me� on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.

8. Stop at the green lights.

9. Go at the red ones.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. Eat food that requires silverware.

12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.

13. Sing without having the radio on.

14. Honk frequently without motivation.

15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.

16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.

17. Let pedestrians know who�s boss.

18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

19. Restart your car at every stop light.

20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.

23. Paint your car with occult symbols.

24. Keep at least five cats in the car.

25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.

26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.

27. Stop and collect road kill.

28. Stop and pray to road kill.

29. Throw Spam.

30. Get in the fast lane and gradually...slow...down... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

BOOBS VS WILLIES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad,
how many
Kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through
three
Phases.
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said,
'Mom, how
Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes
through
Three phases also..
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for
decoration.'...=)) X_X =D

EXCELLENT QUOTE ON A MARRIED MAN'S T-SHIRT

"I married my wife for her looks...
But, not the ones she is giving me lately."

EXCELLENT QUOTE ON A MARRIED MAN'S T-SHIRT

"I married my wife for her looks...
But, not the ones she is giving me lately."

teaching sex

A Teacher of Class 5 is asked to teach sex...

After thinking she decides to use flash cards, She shows a picture of a Breast...
One child speaks up...
"That's Breast, my mom has two of it...

Then she shows a picture of a Penis...
Another child speaks up
"That's a Penis my dad has two of it....
Confused, the teacher asked, "Two?"
The child said:
"A small one to Pee
& A bigger one to brush mommy's teeth""

difference in panties now days

What's the difference
between 1920's panties &
2011 panties???

In 1920 you had to open
the panty to see the bum,
In 2011 you have to open
the bum to see the panty

dating web

I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.

cake

A naked man looks in the mirror and says to his wife, "Why do I always get a hard-on when I look at myself?" Wife says, "Because your cock thinks you're a poes too!"

SQUINT EYED

A man divorced his squint eyed wife after 20 years of marriage, apparently she was seeing someone else. LOL

A WOMENS 3 WISHES

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"The woman said, "That's okay."For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them......... Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down...... ...............................................................................................The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife ..Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.................................PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! Laughing my ass off,,,

THE 3 MEN WHO DIED

3 men (a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot) died in a car crash & found themselves standing before the gates of Heaven. With St. Peter & the Devil standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings". With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it & concluded it was correct."Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my ass hole."
And the idiot went to Heaven! =))

SIDE BY SIDE

 
  A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
  One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

  As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?  'You have been with me all through the bad times.  When I got fired, you were there to support me.  When my business failed, you were there.  When I got shot, you were by my side.

  When we lost the house, you stayed right here.  When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?'


  'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.


  'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck...    


THATS A MAN FOR U  X_X

British Humour

   I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning

to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!"

and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It

completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low

cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.

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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give

him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop

before you're banned from teaching altogether."

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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?

A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

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Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...

Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half

an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything -

KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

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Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?

17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me

because she can't afford batteries!

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Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing

line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs

back.   (ouch!)

SATHIE, BALA AND PERU

Sathie died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends,  Bala and Peru, who were with him everywhere he went, were sent for.
Bala went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Bala said, "Ayo, he's burnt very bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and  Bala said, ..."Nor, it's not Sathie." The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought  Peru in to identify the body.  Peru took a look at him and said, "Ya, he's burnt very bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Peru said, "Nor, it's not  Sathie."The mortician asked, "How can  you tell?" Bala  said, "Well,  Sathie had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician."Ya, said Bala & Peru in unison, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, people would say, 'Here comes  Sathie with two assholes

BARBIE AND KEN

Why does Barbie never fall pregnant?.... Because Ken always comes in a seperate box

WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING

What colour shirt are you wearing?

Black: I danced
Blue: I partied
Red: I slept
Purple: I ran away
Green: I argued
Yellow: I flirted
Pink: I got married
Orange: I got high
Grey: I broke up
White: I skinny dipped
Other: I got drunk
Shirtless: I giggled

Date of birth?

1st: with a pirate
2nd: with a sexy monkey
3rd: with a drunk dwarf
4th: with a horny tree
5th: with a anxious nerd
6th: with a fat person
7th with a hobo
8th: with a cowboy on crack
9th: with a fancy gangster
10th: with a sunflower
11th: with a piece of fudge
12th: with a serial killer
13th: with shrek
14th: with a male hooker
15th: with a dead bunny
16th: with a happy emo
17th: with a shiny vampire
18th: with a family member
19th: with a ghost
20th: with a toilet seat
21st: with a pink ant
22nd: with a gay mermaid
23rd: with a french girl
24th: with a blowup doll
25th: with a superhero
26th: with a minor
27th: with a confused alien
28th: with a tortured fairy
29th: with a sexy ninja
30th: with a avatar
31st: with a migit

First letter of your name?

A-B-C: Cause I miss my ex!
D-E-F: Cause I'm magical!
G-H-I: Cause I'm a genius!
J-K-L: Cause I was bored!
M-N-O: Cause I'm cool!
P-Q-R: Cause I'm unique!
S-T-U: Cause I'm a sex freak!
V-W-X Cause I was confused!
Y-Z Cause I was forced!

Put as your status for a day to show that you are playful and bbm statuses are not always supposed to be SO serious and deep!!!