British Humour

   I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning

to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!"

and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It

completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low

cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.

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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give

him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop

before you're banned from teaching altogether."

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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?

A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

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Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...

Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half

an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything -

KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

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Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?

17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me

because she can't afford batteries!

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Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing

line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs

back.   (ouch!)

SATHIE, BALA AND PERU

Sathie died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends,  Bala and Peru, who were with him everywhere he went, were sent for.
Bala went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Bala said, "Ayo, he's burnt very bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and  Bala said, ..."Nor, it's not Sathie." The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought  Peru in to identify the body.  Peru took a look at him and said, "Ya, he's burnt very bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Peru said, "Nor, it's not  Sathie."The mortician asked, "How can  you tell?" Bala  said, "Well,  Sathie had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician."Ya, said Bala & Peru in unison, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, people would say, 'Here comes  Sathie with two assholes

BARBIE AND KEN

Why does Barbie never fall pregnant?.... Because Ken always comes in a seperate box

WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING

What colour shirt are you wearing?

Black: I danced
Blue: I partied
Red: I slept
Purple: I ran away
Green: I argued
Yellow: I flirted
Pink: I got married
Orange: I got high
Grey: I broke up
White: I skinny dipped
Other: I got drunk
Shirtless: I giggled

Date of birth?

1st: with a pirate
2nd: with a sexy monkey
3rd: with a drunk dwarf
4th: with a horny tree
5th: with a anxious nerd
6th: with a fat person
7th with a hobo
8th: with a cowboy on crack
9th: with a fancy gangster
10th: with a sunflower
11th: with a piece of fudge
12th: with a serial killer
13th: with shrek
14th: with a male hooker
15th: with a dead bunny
16th: with a happy emo
17th: with a shiny vampire
18th: with a family member
19th: with a ghost
20th: with a toilet seat
21st: with a pink ant
22nd: with a gay mermaid
23rd: with a french girl
24th: with a blowup doll
25th: with a superhero
26th: with a minor
27th: with a confused alien
28th: with a tortured fairy
29th: with a sexy ninja
30th: with a avatar
31st: with a migit

First letter of your name?

A-B-C: Cause I miss my ex!
D-E-F: Cause I'm magical!
G-H-I: Cause I'm a genius!
J-K-L: Cause I was bored!
M-N-O: Cause I'm cool!
P-Q-R: Cause I'm unique!
S-T-U: Cause I'm a sex freak!
V-W-X Cause I was confused!
Y-Z Cause I was forced!

Put as your status for a day to show that you are playful and bbm statuses are not always supposed to be SO serious and deep!!!

MULTIPLE JOKES

Some Laughter=D =)) ***Q: Why are condoms transparent?A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!(y) ***Signboard outside a prostitute's house: Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...(n) ***New AIDS awareness slogan: Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.:D ***Why is $ex like shaving?Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll  have to do it again.../:). ***Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.#:-s ***Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.:x ***Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME!X_X ***Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later.=)) ***Advantages of having an affair with a married women. They give like hell. They do not yell. They do not tell. They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!;) ***My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise . Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple! =D =))

WHO'S YOUR DADDY

My girlfriend recently found out she was adopted. She was devastated... kept crying and asking why they did not want her. I cuddled her a bit. She then asked me to make love to her... I did so and the tear's began to flow even more. I suppose shagging her and shouting who's your daddy might have been a bit insensitive...=))

learn chinese in 5 minutes

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES
(You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...
1) Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP............. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man...................... Dum Fuk
5) Small horse... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped in to a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift... Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone... No Pah King
12) staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo
13) He's cleaning his automobile... Wa Shing Ka
14) Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu
15) Great... Fa Kin Su Pah