SQUINT EYED

A man divorced his squint eyed wife after 20 years of marriage, apparently she was seeing someone else. LOL

A WOMENS 3 WISHES

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"The woman said, "That's okay."For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them......... Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down...... ...............................................................................................The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife ..Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.................................PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! Laughing my ass off,,,

THE 3 MEN WHO DIED

3 men (a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot) died in a car crash & found themselves standing before the gates of Heaven. With St. Peter & the Devil standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings". With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it & concluded it was correct."Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my ass hole."
And the idiot went to Heaven! =))

SIDE BY SIDE

 
  A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
  One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

  As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?  'You have been with me all through the bad times.  When I got fired, you were there to support me.  When my business failed, you were there.  When I got shot, you were by my side.

  When we lost the house, you stayed right here.  When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?'


  'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.


  'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck...    


THATS A MAN FOR U  X_X

British Humour

   I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning

to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!"

and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It

completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low

cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.

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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give

him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop

before you're banned from teaching altogether."

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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?

A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

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Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...

Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half

an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything -

KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

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Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?

17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me

because she can't afford batteries!

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Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing

line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs

back.   (ouch!)

SATHIE, BALA AND PERU

Sathie died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends,  Bala and Peru, who were with him everywhere he went, were sent for.
Bala went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Bala said, "Ayo, he's burnt very bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and  Bala said, ..."Nor, it's not Sathie." The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought  Peru in to identify the body.  Peru took a look at him and said, "Ya, he's burnt very bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Peru said, "Nor, it's not  Sathie."The mortician asked, "How can  you tell?" Bala  said, "Well,  Sathie had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician."Ya, said Bala & Peru in unison, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, people would say, 'Here comes  Sathie with two assholes

BARBIE AND KEN

Why does Barbie never fall pregnant?.... Because Ken always comes in a seperate box